What matters most to humans at an individual level? Is it money, relationships, or a combination of two which we sometimes refer to as “happiness”?
Money * Quality of Relationships = Happiness ?
For many years of my life, I have closely observed what it feels like to be living in the state of feeling that you lack something, especially money. When I was a kid, money did not come easily for my family. My father, who was a highly successful civil engineer did not save much before he passed away in an accident. The immediate years after his demise forced us to live a life of constraint. As a kid, you don’t really feel these things. This is especially true when you have a loving adult in your life. Friends also make a big difference. In my case, I had both. My mother and sister loved me unconditionally and gave me a life of stability. I had amazing friends with whom I shared my life. In a way, for most of the time in my childhood, I felt happy because of the quality of relationships I had. These relationships made me believe that I wasn’t lacking anything important.
| When I was a KID | Money | Quality of relationship | Happiness |
|---|---|---|---|
| High | ~~ | ~~ | |
| Low | ~~ | ||
| Extremely low |
On the other hand, I saw poverty – the absolute lack of money – firsthand when I started telling stories to children in the villages of Bihar, Uttar Pradesh, and Rajasthan in India. It is here that I observed closely the daily lives of hundreds of kids who chose to come to school more for a promise of a free meal than for the love of learning. The quality of relationships didn’t matter because the lack of financial means made their day-to-day survival extremely challenging. It is my understanding that they lacked what I as a kid felt as “happiness”. The frame of reference for these kids having extremely low money made for low happiness in their lives, irrespective of the quality of relationships they had. Sadly, for lakhs of kids, that’s how their lives are even today.
| Poor kids in rural India | Money | Quality of relationship | Happiness |
|---|---|---|---|
| High | Irrelevant | ||
| Low | Irrelevant | ~~ | |
| Extremely low | ~~ | Irrelevant |
My assumption is that the readers of this written piece would not be in the zone of what is referred to as the phase of “extremely low money” where quality of relationships is irrelevant to the level of happiness they feel. In fact, the quality of relationships are what matters the most to how happy or sad, you, my reader must feel.
If I consider my life today, I think the quality of relationships I have plays a prominent role in determining my happiness. Money, yes, does play its role but for me it is something that helps me to not consistently think about how to earn it. Having “enough” of it makes me believe that I can do things that I really enjoy doing and to not fear about where my next meal would come from – something that a child and their parents in rural India have to consistently think about!
| My current framework | Money | Quality of relationship | Happiness |
|---|---|---|---|
| High | ~~ | ~~ | |
| Enough | ~~ | ||
| Low | |||
| Extremely low |
Note: “Enough” is something that each individual defines for themselves. Enough is personal!
I want to go deeper into the quality relationships I have today.
First, I continue to have a stronger thread from my childhood in the form of my loving mother. Having that relationship intact and knowing that she will be there no matter what has helped me anchor key facets of my life. Having said that, there are many a toxic threads from my childhood that I have cautiously cut; from uncles, aunts, and friends who tried to harm me emotionally on purpose.
Second, after many unsuccessful love relationships, for the last seven years or so I am in the most loving relationship with my current wife; a relationship built on common foundational values of strong family values, respect, and freedom.
Third, my friends. Some of them have been with me since I was in school or college. These foundational friendships make me fall back on honest counsel from time-to-time and to live back what is “good” inside me in times of self-doubt and sadness.
Together, these relationships forms the pillar of what brings me happiness most days. My work adds to my fulfillment, but the security of enough money and the strength of these bonds form the true foundation of my well-being.
Now imagine, suddenly, these pillars go “poof”. My life suddenly starts to feel miserable! For many adults, this “poofness” is a reality, a source of extremely low happiness despite enough or high levels of money.
It brings me back to the question of what matters most to humans? Is it money or relationships? Maybe for different people, different things may be dominating their mind-space right now. For all I know, without having your “enough” when it comes to money makes life challenging and the same goes for the lack of quality of relationships.
The answer, then, lies somewhere in the middle. Where enough money meets quality relationships!
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